Lonerette

i'm really s'posed to be sleepin' now...it's 4am and i have to be up for Grope Therapy in about 4 hours.

i was driving through the city at 3am, there was a half-moon setting on the right side of the windshield. the air was cool and thick, blasting my face every time i rolled down the window for a smoke. there was no one on the road at all, except for an occasional car which seemed to come from behind and pass me at 90 miles an hour. i had the beta band playing, which didn't help when i came to staying alert...their music was a perfect backdrop to a lucid dream-state. i was groovin' along, all right...it was perfect, and it was beautiful, and i was alone and it was OK!!!

i had just come from packing up more shit in my apartment, which will no longer be mine come september 30. i never realized how much i would miss it in its dumpy, drafty, crumbling glory. 'course it was much cooler having a car there. biking around a teeny south jersey town is no fun, unless you maintain a constant blotto state, or you make a career out of denial. it sucks, i used to see tons of other poor jerks on bikes passing me every day on the way to work. talk about a depressed area...there weren't quite enough jobs, and if by chance you got a job, the fucking bus system didn't go anywhere near your house or your job. oh well, at least there is public transportation, however minimal...

there were a lot of bugs hanging out in my place...moths, spiders (of course), and...get this... there was this...this...well, i think it was the body of a locust!! not a shriveled-up little brown thing, but a large, pretty green thing that looked as though it were made of leaves. at first i thought it was the plastic grasshopper my neighbor had given me (along with a plastic cockroach and several fake spiders), but i approached it and realized it was this thing, whatever it was. it had died not too long ago, b/c it was still pretty bright and non-yucky. it had tiny legs and eyes. i wish i had saved it, but i put it in a trash bag with some other crap.

moths are kinda cool, unless there's like, 362 of them in the same place. i had worked hard to scrub the tub and blammo, it was filled with dead moths. i squirted some chemical or another in the tub and rinsed them down...rest in peace, little friends...

i feel proud b/c i feel like i got a lot done. i pray that i get my deposit back. it still needs a major cleaning overhaul, and i have to get that sofa-thing out too. i had some good times there. me and b. and will used to hang around and draw and paint and answer questionnaires that will made up, such as, "Describe yourself in one sentence," or, "If you had a cast on your dominant arm, how would you wipe your ass?" there was the boy i "rescued" from the cracked out motel...i still think about him and hope he's ok. it was always fun having pregnant nicole over...until she brought her boyfriends and turned the heat up to 80 and started calling all over the place on my phone...*chuckle*...she has 2 kids now. i think she's 20. maybe they'll whoop her ass into shape....
there were my neighbors next door who insisted their place was haunted. the girl was shorter than me and weighted 90 lbs soaking wet, and she was always borrowing my vaccuum. when they got evicted she gave me some food they got from the food bank. i think she took my dustpan-brush with her...it's ok though.
then rebecca and the kids...i know we'll stay in touch though. rebecca has a heart of gold, and as always, the morons with pick-axes are always after that heart of hers. (wow, that sounded incredibly strange...like that mouse from Tom & Jerry who is Jerry's cousin and his head is just a cowboy hat and a moustache, and he kept plucking out Tom's whiskers for his tiny guitar...)

um, other good memories...c'mon now, this is important...well, tony, of course...he was always bringing weird shit over. one new years' i remember playing yahtzee with him and shawn until i couldn't see the damn numbers on the paper anymore...lol. he was insistent that i get into xmas. he brought over a fucking tree, and all kinds of ornaments!! i didn't want to be rude, but i tried to explain that i don't celebrate xmas....but he said something like, "oh, c'mon! you can have a tree..." and he kept bringing wreaths and santas and sno-globes...tony is exactly my mom's age but he looks a lot older. i used to hope that he and my mom would get together but i forgot that other people found him scarey after a while.
he was there sometimes when shawn and i were fighting. he didn't really take sides, but he was there, and he gave advice sometimes. he told insane stories, and was always saying that his life should be made into a book. i would love to write it, if i could remember everything...i would make myself a character in the story...lol. i'd be some tough chick at the truck stop where he worked, and where his son now works. his son is my age. we used to exchange homeless stories all the time, and agree that "nobody knows what it's like, people take their shit for granted, we've been through things that most people don't see..." lol
i talked to him on the phone a couple weeks ago. he told me i'd left the air on in my apartment and that i'd left my screen door open a little. he also said, "the reason i didn't come around a lot near the end was because i was in love with you. i didn't wanna screw things up, ya know?"
i didn't really know how to respond to this...i kinda thought he had feelings for me, but it seemed so ridiculous, because men his age didn't suddenly fall in love with people. and if that was the case, he'd be in love with all the young chicks in the place, right? tony was married and his wife openly disliked me. i guess it makes sense. what the hell?

my posts are getting way too long. oh well. it's fun. it's easier than picking up a pen sometimes and hell, it beats Grope Therapy. wow, it's fucking 5 am! i'm going to be catatonic tomorrow (today).

i hate how i go from complete narcisissm to self-hatred like a ferrari going from zero to 60. there has to be a happy medium. i really wish someone knew me, not THINK that they know me. i wish someone knew me and wanted to continue to do so....that's different from "liking" someone, right? a bit deeper? then again people think they know other people all the time. marriages start, buildings crumble, wars are fought, over and over again...all because we "knew" the territory.

it's just not cool for girls to be loners. for guys it's kinda james dean-ish or at least socially acceptable, but with girls there are so many questions, so many judgments and stares, and so many minds made up so fast. even morrison says, "never saw a woman...so alone..." ! because women travel in packs. they can't even go to the bathroom by themselves. at any given moment i am a slut/retard/prostitute/weirdo/snob/bitch. *shrug*

well then. goodnight, and cheers to you anton, the only person in jersey who thought i was cool.