i will live for these things.

ah, so calm and quiet. i'm feeling good, or comparatively better anyway. comforted-- that's the word, i think. temporarily removed from my the pain, a virtual vacation. it's splendid! i'm glad that it's saturday. it's september 11, but i'm really not concentrating on that at the moment. perhaps its selfish of me, but i'm not up for recalling the pain now. instead i think of others that that day affected, how lucky i was, how far-removed from the devastation i was, sequestered in a shelter in the woods (literally). i do remember how no one at the shelter seemed to really care, how it made the surrealism of the whole historic even even more bizzarre. people were concerned with how it would affect their welfare checks.

p. left earlier today, i think...i was in and out of sleep. he really does a lot more good than i give him credit for around here. my mom seems to miss him but hasn't yet started to freak out. she mentioned a small vacation for the weekend; i would dig that a lot, if it works out that we're both feeling ok.

last night i did a little damage control in someone else's life, for a change. i went to hang out with a fellow who wasn't feeling too great about the world and existence in general. i think i let him in a bit too close which is uncomfortable, but it's ok. i am not going to pick on myself, nor do i have any regrets. there's a lot to be said for release.

i'm starting to get a little sweaty and restless, a little worried. last night did shake me up a little bit. ok, i'm going to say it: i wish i had a boyfriend. i wish i were in a reciprocal relationship, where the other is equally curious, concerned and caring about me. i don't want last night. i can only muster up so much empathy before i get a little in return. i am not sure, but i know if it happens it's not going to be just any old schmuck, for any old reason. if it takes me forever, i guess it just will. i want to be inspired and adored. i have so much in me to give, and it's not going to be wasted.

it's something to look forward to, that's all. it's not too far. it's not about rolling dice or saying the right words. "there's more room in a broken heart," says carly simon. let me wrap these fragments around you, these strange little arms. i know it's there if i can figure it out. "i miss you, but i have not met you yet," says bjork.

meantime, time to become a person. time to take the jackhammer to all my old self-loathing and fashion it into a little shelter, a lean-to for storing my love. that is something, at least. even if it hasn't materialized, even if i have to pretend for a while, i know it's there, it exists in my soul, it is a part of me and i am meant to be a caretaker and a best friend and a gentle soul who will find another to rest my head with.

but yeah, meantime, a career, an artisan-ship, a creative journey, a vision quest. oh, let it pick up where i left off...in some graceful series of movements, a dance of days. deep protection of my serious, molten emotional life, surrounded by whatever i can give, whomever i can give it to. this makes no sense, lol. it's ok though, i am ready to wash that asshole right out of my hair.

let us, then. friends, let us lather, rinse, and repeat.