lab rat

the doc changed my medication around again today. i'm a little worried...i mean, what exactly IS this stuff? why am i taking it? what's it doing to me? how did the doctor arrive at the conclusion to prescribe me this particular "cocktail," as they call it in their circles...? am i going to die?
worse, am i going to live until i'm 90 and have to take this same shitty medicine for the rest of my life?
how do they know that 97 out of 100 lab rats showed signs of stabilizing mood and less depression anyway? 90,000 out of 302,475 ants showed rapid heart-rates and increasing sex drives. 47 out of 576 bunnies had macular degeneration and nervous hypertension. but hey, it'll make me better.

anyway, it's good to have folks to talk to. chris, if you're out there i can't wait to see you and talk to you. looking forward to something-- what a concept.

i'm sweating and twitching again. legs are shaking. i have an ice pack on my head and i'm still hot as hell. i'm scared. i keep thinking about that guy at the program who told me his medicine gave him parkinsonian symptoms. is it really worth it? i guess i'll find out in a couple of weeks. i'm not going to be a sitting duck for tardive dyskinesia, compulsive tremors, etc... however, i'm being paranoid. nobody's trying to keep me down...it's just me, who can't fit into society. square peg, round hole. diagnosis. history. pathology. solution? terrible chemical compounds that won't leave me alone!! solution? market cigarettes to the homeless and the mentally ill. everybody smokes there. i wish i could stop roasting my lungs.

i wish i could just devote my whole life to something. i wish i could make fucking sense. ok sean, i'm going to call you now...see how NC was. what a mother-fucking mess.